In A World Of My Own - Hiatus
by Fae 206
Summary: 1st Person Blaine, set straight after 5x20. After Rachel leaves and June starts paying more attention to Blaine. Blaine meets two of her friends which results in more stress in the Klaine relationship. Blaine begins to worry about the rushed feelings surrounding his arising fame, false situations that are part of a psychological condition. Is there a way of breaking out of this?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **This is the second part of my two part fic, this is Blaine's POV, Kurt's is called "His Beautiful Mind" which is a play on "A Beautiful Mind" where John Nash sees people, this one's title comes from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Also, Blaine _is_ losing it so that's why there are rushed thoughts.

Also, if you're looking for an amazing fic that deals with deep emotions in a very beautiful way, please check out this fic: https(:)(/) .net(/)s(/)9096672/1/

**In A World Of My Own**

Why is it I always wake up late? My body just feels so tired recently and I can't calm it down, it's as if there's this alarm buried within me that I can't turn off and it's worse than when my thoughts were racing before. I've always had a wild imagination, I mean maybe that's why I saw puppets from a gas leak (I don't think many would call that normal exactly), but this kind of wild spree of thought is rooted in my belly.

And that is just weird.

Maybe it's the guilt, maybe because I'm seeing Melissa and Annabelle, my body is just becoming rigid and I'm scared I'm not good enough. No, I know that I'm not good enough. Whoever thought that I could be a great performer especially at this age, am I to be married to an amazing performer? Of course, unless Kurt changes his mind…he wouldn't change his mind would he? Still, myself have this kind of praise…I'm not used to it and part of me feels ashamed of it.

It doesn't feel this way at all when Kurt says it.

There are a lot of things that are made better if it's _Kurt_ who says it.

I love him, I love him more than anything, but I always wonder whether I deserve him after I broke his heart. The cheating still weighs on my heart sometimes and it's weighing on my heart this morning as I can't seem to control _which_ words I'm saying to him.

Still, I'm late, I'm late and worse of all I _know_ I'm late.

I'm supposed to be meeting a very fabulous woman, Annabelle, for breakfast about forty five minutes away and if I stand up someone who could have such an influence on my future I will truly be a fool. A lot of people wish for this and I want to take advantage of it, I want to stick to my commitments and my dreams, no offense to her but I would be devastated if I followed the same path that Rachel Berry did.

Kurt looks at me concerned and though I don't have much time to relieve him from the concerns this time, I do want to say something. I want him to know just _how much_ I care about him and adore him. I love Kurt Hummel. I will _always_ love Kurt Elizabeth Hummel.

Right now though I can't seem to separate my thoughts.

It's becoming increasingly hard to figure out what to do these days, what to say, who to say it too, it's exhausting and I definitely don't want to feel as if I'm abusing my relationship with my beyond gorgeous fiancee, doing that might lead to me losing him and if I lost him I just know my world wouldn't stand much of a chance against crumbling to pieces.

I'm not a phoenix and I never will be, I just want Kurt but I know I'm not showing that as well as I could.

It scares me, but Kurt seems to know how I feel, seems to be supportive.

Is he though…

Crap! Spent too much time thinking about Kurt (is that even a possibility) and I have to rush to the bathroom, I have to make myself look presentable. A wrong opinion could severely damage my career and I want an amazing career, I want something that would open doors for _both_ of us. I want to be acknowledged for the things that I've done and eventually become world renown for my accomplishments.

Kurt says something about breakfast, but I can hardly hear it (let alone make sense of it).

"Damn it!"

The words have exited my mouth without my thinking about them, I didn't know I would be saying this, it seems too sudden and I can't…I can't suffer through this, my head starts pounding and without a moments pause I am dashing to the bathroom.

"I need to leave, I need to go see Annabelle" I say without even really considering what Kurt is saying (I should, I know I should, but my head is pounding and I feel like I might even pass out from all the stress). My eyes dart around the room until they rest upon the clock.

Oh crap! Is that what time it is! Am I seriously _that_ late!?

Kurt is reaching out for me, but through my pounding head, my vision which is starting to blur I know I shouldn't allow him to see me like this and I rush into our bathroom. Thank GOD we live alone. I get to live alone with the man of my dreams, but I need some water, I need to calm down (because who wants to further the career of someone on edge).

I put on the shower and stand under it.

The hot water feels nice, relaxing, comforting. Maybe it's all in my imagination that it feels so nice, feels so refreshing, but having a feeling of being comforted isn't necessarily a bad thing.

It only dawns on me as I'm using _my_ soap to wash my body, peppermint scent, and putting in shampoo and conditioner (that Kurt chose for my type of hair) that I haven't felt this kind of comfort from Kurt for a while.

I don't blame him though, in many many ways I _can't_ blame him. He isn't responsible for my actions, only I am responsible for my own actions.

Maybe I should slow down, accept the fact that Kurt has the ability to comfort me, to make me feel completely loved and safe like he used to, but the world is in a rush and it's been in a rush from just before I met Melissa and Annabelle. I could blame June I guess, but she only wants to further my career and that isn't really a reason that someone should be blamed.

Before I know it, I am hopping out of the shower and feel water trickling from my eyes. Am I crying!? How on earth am I crying?

Okay, deep breaths Anderson, in and out, in and out

In…and…Out.

I look at myself in the mirror, at least the tears have dried up, at least it doesn't look like I've been crying. I grab my robe and apply the gel before brushing my teeth. I need to be perfect, I need them to think I'm perfect at least.

As I exit, I see Kurt turn towards me as he holds up a red bow tie, "Hey, what do you think?"

I stare at it, my heart thumping at just the color (am I a bull now?). It seems too painful, the red color is hurting my eyes and giving me fear. I can't say that I've been scared of the tie before…okay, did that just sound as stupid as I think it did? but I just don't like it, I don't _want _to wear it.

Kurt would think I'm even more weird if I give that type of an excuse.

"Too red." I feel myself saying, but I have to come up with some kind of reason. I can't just tell Kurt that the tie is too red and that's why I don't like it. I quickly add onto the statement, "Annabelle said no red."

Okay, thank god I can pass the blame over to someone else. Kurt doesn't have to think that I'm any weirder than he already might. He doesn't have to know the dislike I have for the color red.

"Blue?" Kurt asks me and I look at the clothes he chose.

No, I have to look nice, I have to wear a suit if I'm wearing a bow tie. If they see me in a suit it might raise their opinion of me and that is definitely _not_ a bad thing. I pause for a moment, Kurt is here and Kurt has never judged me on what I'm wearing. To Kurt what matters most is what's underneath and I'm _ignoring_ that, I'm _risking_ that.

I breathe again.

In…and….Out

I turn to him, continuing these deep breaths and praying that there is some clarity to my mind soon, something to make sense of the jumble inside. I feel my voice become warm and my eyes settle on my future husband. Oh god I love him, I just love him so so much. My actions have become a threat to our relationship.

After I get changed I turn to him, "Kurt, I love you."

He know that right!? He _has_ to know that. After I say that Kurt approaches me, god he still smells so wonderful, but that concern in his eyes is frightening. As his hands reach up to straighten my collar I start to see all the different shades of emotion in his eyes and I push him back.

I realize that I have to find the contracts that Annabelle asked me to sign, I have to give them back to her. I have to make sure that my future, Kurt and my financial future is secure. I grab them, these are going to help me establish my career. I can't believe I nearly forgot.

Wait.

I pause and take another couple of deep breaths before looking at my love. I haven't been very kind to him this morning and I'm starting to feel absolutely wretched about it. I step over to him and rest my hands on his shoulders. I want to hug him, but I'm not sure I have time for even that.

"I'm sorry," I finally apologize, "I don't want you to feel like I'm taking you for granted."

God, how true are those words. I don't want Kurt to feel that, but I'm terrified that that might be _all_ he feels these days. He nods and tells me that he knows, does he though? Can he really know and understand what I'm going through?

I think I have time though, I think I have time to make sure he knows how I still feel about him, how I will _always_ feel about him.

"I love you."

Those words mean everything to me and I kiss his cheek, trying to push my passion through his skin. Does that ever work for anyone? I'm still too late though, I have to leave, I have to go and before Kurt even has a chance to answer me. I am out of the door (with my bag and shoes) and on my way to the nearest subway station.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** As I said before this is a two part fic, you can find Kurt's part here: https[:/]www[.]fanfiction[.][net]/s/10697601/1/His-Beautiful-Mind

**Chapter Two**

Something doesn't feel right to me, but then again it hasn't felt right for months. It's as if, in many small ways, but no large concrete way I can put my finger on, my soul has been breaking. I suppose it might have happened during the time of my binge eating, my huge insecurity over whether Kurt would leave me or stop loving me. I always can admit that those times leave me terrified.

Kurt is so much better than me, so much stronger and more powerful and still, I can't shake the fact that he's worth more than me. He'll figure it out one day, I just know that he will. He'll figure out just how weak and insecure I am and in those moments I can almost guarantee that he won't want to waste his time on me.

Kurt means the world to me.

Which is why I can't understand why I've been shrugging him off so much these days and focusing on my career, in a way it feels like, if I can create a world outside of Kurt, a world where I am free to pursue the glitz and glam of stardom, a world that has been built by people before me that I can fit a 'role' in that I'll be more mature if Kurt ever stops loving me.

No, be strong Blaine, Kurt _will_ love you, you _are_ worthy of him, and you _are_ going to get married.

Okay, if I repeat those words to myself it'll be as Kurt said before, they can't touch me, they can't touch us or what we have.

What I have with Kurt is the most precious thing in the world. Love. Kurt's love, and I wake up so grateful each and every day that I am loved by my soulmate, my amazing one of a kind Kurt Hummel. I am loved by a man who has no equal and deserves the world. Maybe if I fit myself into this second puzzle, I can give him exactly that, the world and all within it he desires.

I smile proudly over this as I find my stop and embark to go to the restaurant.

Annabelle is such a kind woman, so joyful and full of life and though June has become a personal idol, it feels amazing to be a part of such a community, such a healthy living environment. Kurt would love Annabelle, but I'm a little afraid of bringing him here. I'm afraid of disappointing people and I also feel that next to Kurt I'm no match. They'll love him and ignore me, kind of like what June did to Kurt which is something I feel guilty about even now.

I find the restaurant easily and see Annabelle already sitting down and waiting for me.

Oh god, I hope I'm not too late. There aren't that many people here so maybe I could just go and sit with her and not worry about the fuss. I now she'll most likely offer to pay, but I still have some money from work that June set me up with and I think that I'd like to pay for this meal.

I slip in past the wait staff and come to the table. "Annabelle," I smile proudly and a couple of people look up from where they are sitting. I know why, it's because Annabelle is such an amazing woman and I am so lucky that at this point in my career I get to spend time with her. I get to marvel at her fame and fortune as well as making sure that I am personally doing okay. What could be better than that?

I grin as Annabelle holds out her hand and I take it, "It's good to see you again Blaine," she smiles at me. Her smile is always so warm and kind, so genuine. It's as if she is a modern day princess and I feel so humbled to be in her presence.

"It's good to see you too," I reply, "You're looking beautiful as always."

I notice more people turn to look at us but I try not to pay them much attention. It's true, Annabelle always looks amazing. She is sitting there with a black designer skirt and boots and her purple blouse that is most definitely a designer item too. I feel poor and underdressed. As much as Kurt tries to boost my confidence, I don't feel worthy being around such a goddess.

The waiter comes up to me and I look at Annabelle, I wonder if she has already ordered something. I gesture to her to go ahead, after all it is always in a gentleman's duty to make sure that the lady is cared for first.

"You order for me Blaine, honey, I need to get some papers out of my bag anyway," Annabelle says as my eyebrows raise in surprise, "The usual coffee order dear," she prompts me and I cough a little, noticing the weird way in which the waiter is looking at me.

Okay, so I know I'm underdressed and this man is most definitely jealous that someone so young is having a meal with such an elegant woman, but I can't let a strange look deter me from my dreams, Kurt would never understand something of that nature. Kurt is able to defend himself better against criticism, I always feel as if some part of my being is being smashed against when it comes to the idea of disapproval.

"If I could get a medium caramel drip," I say looking for a brief moment at the menu, "and a medium mocha for the lady."

I hear the waiter's breath break for a moment and he slowly takes a step away from our table, "Riight" he says, acting as if I am one of those men who often sleep outside of the Bushwick apartment building, "The lady, I'll be right back, sir"

Finally, during a lighthearted conversation about the type of music that I'm into lately, the man puts my coffee in front of me and Annabelle's in the center of the table. That seems quite rude, I try to move it over to her and realize the cup is quite hot. "I'm sorry about that," I laugh as Annabelle gestures to me to drop the apologies.

She tucks some of her blonde hair behind her ear, readjusts her glasses and leans forward, "Blaine, I'd like to give you another showcase, I think all three of us can really highlight your talents and I think we can even arrange a kind of payment, how does the end of the month sound?" she asks and it's incredible.

It is so incredible and life affirming that someone has taken such an interest in me. For the first time in a while I can finally feel proud about just who I am. It really all feels too good to be true.

"And you think the twentieth will be alright?" I blurt out, unable to help myself as Annabelle looks over her day calendar and I see a large gap over that date. I hear something behind me, but this is too good of a moment for me to become distracted. This is a moment that is giving me worth, giving me happiness. "Is there a need to buy something new for my wardrobe?"

"Oh, I think your clothes are charming and would work wonders with the audience," Annabelle replies as I start to feel so happy. She is acknowledging me for being myself, finally _somebody _is acknowledging me for being myself. I am so glad that these moments are happening.

"Annabelle," I grin in a very pleased manner, "I'm glad I met you."

It is at this time that I feel an unexpected interruption and I look up in shock, "Kurt?" I ask in full disbelief about what has gone on here. Kurt looks upset and I wonder if it's because I've done something wrong. No, I've tried to record my actions so as not to destroy my relationship. Still, I know this isn't jealousy, this is something newer and something deeper than that small piece of envy that Kurt has already acknowledged having.

"I'm sorry," Kurt apologizes as if he's the one who is breaking, "I really wanted to be here for this?"

I am unsure what to tell him, I don't really know why he is even here? Aren't there other places where he could be? Maybe I'm doing something wrong, maybe he can't take my disrespect and wants to break up with me. I dare myself to ask, "Why?"

Kurt doesn't say anything and Annabelle is starting to get curious about this new person.

"Blaine, is this your partner?" she asks me with her charming smile.

"Oh, Annabelle, I'm glad you get to meet him, this man here is my best friend and the love of my life, Kurt Hummel," I proudly announce as Kurt trembles, his lip quivering. Has _Kurt_ done something wrong, is there something going on that I'm not aware of? I don't want to blame him, I don't want to make him think that I won't forgive him. I've lived through Kurt not forgiving me, I've suffered through him not forgiving me.

"It's nice to meet you," Annabelle says as she holds out her hand.

Kurt won't take it, he doesn't even acknowledge this woman who has given me so much.

I lean towards him and whisper, "Kurt, answer her."

Why won't he answer her?


End file.
